I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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