Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
