Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
