rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
If I die, sorry about rent.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
