They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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