I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
