Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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