She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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