If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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