Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
