I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
