Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
