I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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