like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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