she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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