I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
