Life is so much better after having sex.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You are the jesus of drinking
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
