Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
