Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
oh god was she eating orange peels again
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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