I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize