i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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