I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
