Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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