My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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