Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
