i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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