I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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