4 words: hood of his car
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
