I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
