Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
