I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Farmville is her only friend.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
