True but thats because hes a fetus.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
