I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
