it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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