I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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