My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize