So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
