Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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