Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
