We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize