So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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