I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
