Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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