The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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