I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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