2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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