I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
