I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
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