matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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