I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
