If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
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