broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
