last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
