why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize