He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
