Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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