The maid of honor just puked.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
