god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
