Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
